Ratatouille, Part 2
Talking to the dispactcher from Animal Control, I mentally, silently tick off the bits of information she feeds me. The silent part takes a LOT of self control.
She imparts a series of biological facts:
- Rats are smart. [ “Check.” ]
- Rats can hold their breath for 3 minutes. [ "Check.” ]
- Rats can tread water for days. [ “Check.” ]
- Rats gauge the space they can enter by the width of their cranium. [ “Check.” ]
- Rat ribs are hinged at the backbone which allows them to squeeze through tight spaces. [ “Check.” ]
She imparts a series of behavioral facts:
- Rats may come and go as they wish in the natural and built world. [ “Check.” ]
- There can be more rats in cities than people, e.g. in NYC. [ “Check.” ]
- Rats often come up into toilets after a rain to escape a flooding sewer. [ “Check.” ]
- A clean side sewer keeps plants and animals such as rats out of your home’s infrastructure. [ “Check.” ]
- More rats may come after one finds its way in. [ “Arggh…!” ]
None, absolutely none of this helps. At all.
Nothing like a rat in the toilet for graphic learning.
Twenty four hours before the City Animal Control visits, I check the toilet. Sh!*t. The rat is gone. I frantically search for pellets and urine and THE RAT both in the bathroom and then throughout the basement. I scour my nice, not so brand-spanky new raspberry carpet for the same.
“Hello, animal control?” I begin pretending to be in control. “You are scheduled to remove the rat in my toilet tomorrow morning. However, the rat is now gone” I say; pausing, hesitant.
“So that’s not unusual? It likely died and was sucked back down…? I see, so that can happen after it begins to decompose and swells up with gas?" She continues, talking calmly.
"OK", I say, gagging silently.
"People normally speed up that process by putting dish soap in their toilet when the rat is alive so it slides down more easily?! Ok, thanks, I’ll watch the video. What about other rats coming after this one? I’ll just have to wait and see?! Yes, I’ll try to have a good week. You too.”
Nothing like a rat in the toilet as a conversation closer.
It’s now dinner time and I call my husband downstairs - it’s my turn to cook and his to clean up afterwards. We sit down, the long work day is done, but there may be more to do in prep for the morrow.
“Remember that a few days ago I asked you not to use the bathroom downstairs because there was a problem with the toilet?
“Um hum” he says, pouring me some water.
“The problem took care of itself so there’s no bill for that repair.”
“Great!” he says, putting napkins, plates and flatware at our places. “What’s for dinner?”
“Ratatouille.”
“Love that! No wonder the house smells so good. Oh, it’s baked! Looks lovely. New recipe?”
“Yes, new to me anyway. Can you call the kids down for dinner now?” I ask.
“So what was the problem?” he asks after yelling for the kids who, by the sounds of it, have been creating havoc as usual upstairs.
“There was a rat in the toilet.” I reply with a half grin. He puts his fork down slowly, looking down at his plate, then up at my face as recognition of my implicit play on words sinks in. I try to remain deadpan, but a mischevious grin lurks around the corners of my mouth despite by best efforts.
He is not amused.
“Let’s order pizza” he says, as the kids thump and tumble down the stairs.
Nothing like a rat in the toilet to ruin a perfectly good meal.
****
Years have passed, and I often tell stories about events in our lives to our grandchildren.
“Grimble E, Grimble C., which story would you like to hear for bedtime? Something about unicorns, or ponies and rainbows?” I ask.
“Rat In The Toilet!!!” they shout in unison.
Nothing like a rat in the toilet to entertain your grandchildren.
These are: The Stories Plants Tell About Their People
~ Fin ~
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Cover image by: Alexas Fotos, date unknown, "Secretary Office Files". Source: Pixabay
Images in the article by: Bernard Spragg, March 15, 2021,
"Covid rat small mural outside public toilets in Motueka New Zealand". Source: Flickr
